One of my best talents is going out with absolute idiots on dates. ESPECIALLY when I was in my late teens. I couldn’t get enough of the idea that I could be wined and dined by other human beings.
I had older friends who seemed really cool and like Carrie Bradshaw who would say hilarious things like ‘oh yeah, it’s a great way to get a free lunch if you are a student,’ and boy, oh boy, would sixteen year old me laugh and feel so sophisticated.
The thing I didn’t know at the time was that they were definitely lying. Some dates are really really cool and fun but I know for a FACT that everyone has bad dates.
Here are the worst ones.
3. The time I was ‘sporty’.
This would actually be a really fun activity but it was just a shambolic idea for a date. Basically, I had been dating this guy on and off and he really liked climbing so I thought it would be a really cool idea to be ‘sporty’ and ‘fun’ and offer to go climbing with him.. Great idea. I’ll be naturally ace at it. I’ll look ace in a harness. A minor embarrassment might occur which could lead to some charming jokes which noone else would understand. I had it sussed.
This was not how the situation played out.
In reality, I’m not a lithe, athletic mountain gazelle that can hop up mountains. I am a very curvy version of a Catherine Zeta Jones type of human being. Maybe like Nigella. I’m really good at long distance running and I can climb mountains and ride horses and kayak. What I can’t do, is look attractive in a giant baggy round neck t-shirt, climbing shoes and a harness. I am also not in the type of shape which leads to effortless climbing. Carrying these hips on my two actual legs is an occasional struggle so hanging from my tiny little wrists was a disgusting nightmare.
Also, because he was ‘Mr Climbing’, he KNEW everyone in the climbing centre. It was really informal and not really a well established serious ‘date’ so I tried to be a cool, easy going chick and we ended up hanging out with a million of his climbing pals who were all really really good at it and kept running off to do black climbs with double somersaults ETC. Not prime.
Then, the worst happened. I am honestly not that big of a lass but when someone gets to the top of a climbing wall, there is a long way to fall and the person holding the rope at the bottom has to be paying close attention, especially if they are considerably lighter than the person on the wall. The man who was belaying (technical term because I am a pro climber as afore-mentioned) was one of Mr Climber’s mates and was basically a stick insect man. Anyway, I had decided that I didn’t really care about the date anymore and that I was determined to climb a climbing wall and I got to the very very top of quite a tricky climb when I. fell. off. the. wall.
Naturally, I screamed.
Because I fell off a wall when I was about ten metres into the air.
Then I kept screaming for some seconds because rather than paying attention to me, stick insect was checking his texts so when I fell down, he flew up.
So I looked like a thin whale or a generous porpoise, your choice, falling off a wall, screaming, pulling a stick person up in the air, in an unflattering harness, in the middle of a room full of people. On a potential date.
It was not a big success. I have not been climbing since.
2. The Time I Was Treated To Lunch
When I was younger, I did something called the ‘Cyrenian Sleepout’ which is a charity event where schools raise money for the homeless by going to sleep in a big aircraft hanger type place for a night. I had just broken up with my then boyfriend (now gay) and my friends and I thought this would be a magnificent opportunity to
meet boys raise money for charity. We were correct. We met these really cool guys who liked cool music and who went to this different school which was IN TOWN.
This was a big deal.
They didn’t know we were super geeky. We had said we liked their favourite bands too and claimed that the early work was best. We were sorted.
So a couple of days later, I got a text from one of the guys asking if I wanted to go on a date with him. We would meet and he would take me to lunch.
Whit woooo.. I was basically a 25 year old New York, young professional and I was going to be shown the high life through the medium of being bought lunch.
I went home and looked up the cool bands so we had things to talk about and I wore a very cool outfit made up of skinny jeans, converse trainers, a spaghetti strap tank top and blue mascara.. Oh yes. This was going to be a big success.
That weekend we met in the allotted place and we went for a walk around the shopping centre while he moodily talked about cool bands and how he was going to be a DJ and he flicked his fringe about a million times and then he finally took me to the magical place where I was going to become a sophisticated adult who was bought dinner by charming young suitors.
And we had lunch in a subway sandwich shop.
1. The Time I Dated A Part Time Model
The worst date I have ever, ever been on, seems like it should be a good date but it wasn’t. It was dreadful. Lessons were learned.
I had been working on a show with this actor guy who had a bit part in the show and spent most of his time offstage. This should have been an indication to start with.
However, he looked like a supermodel and I had never EVER had interest from a guy who looked like that in my life. He was quite quiet but had a few comedy ‘bits’ he liked to do and he was pretty reasonable at at least three impressions so I had thought, ‘alright, this guy seems alright’.
He asked me on a date and I said yes.
The date was that we were going to go to his place and watch a Disney film in which there is a character that was one of his three impressions. I thought, ‘Yeah, that’s clever, you’re linking back to task like in an exam essay. Very intelligent to link a date idea to an in-joke. You know your stuff, Sir.’
I will go on this date with this very intelligent and good looking actor man.
Unfortunately, he lived out of town and so I travelled for forty minutes by bus and then a ten minute walk to get to his place.
It was on the walk with him from the bus stop to his place that I realised that I had accidentally mistaken three solid impressions and four medium-calibre jokes for a great sense of humour and intelligence. He was neither funny, nor kind, nor gentlemanly, nor clever. I did not want to be on that date an hour away from home any more and this had been a ghastly error in which my common sense had been blinded by good looks.
We got there and watched the film and then I made the excuse of work and left on the hour long bus ride to work where I was half an hour early.
I really did try to get to know him during the film but every time I struck up a conversation it turned out he hated his course, job and his main hobby was the gym. He wanted to be an actor and I tried to ask him about theatre or film or adverts or anything but he just mainly did Anchorman impressions. Which passed the time.
To be fair to him, he did try too. He did his full Disney character impression along with the entirety of the film.
It was a great personal experiment. Don’t date people purely because they are good looking because sometimes they might be really nice but sometimes they might be a bit accidentally racist/sexist and also dumb as a bag of bricks.
And if you’re reading this, I’m very apologetic. I’m sure your experiment to date an arty, pretentious nerd was just as much of a disappointment..
And you really do look quite like a model and you can take that to the bank.
P.S. This post was inspired by SprinkleofGlitter’s new video about disastrous dates. She is very very comical in hers!